If Jack Bauer was in a room with Hitler, Stalin, and Nina Meyers, and he had a gun with 2 bullets, he'd shoot Nina twice.

If you wake up in the morning, it's because Jack Bauer spared your life.

Superman wears Jack Bauer pajamas.

If it tastes like chicken, looks like chicken, and feels like chicken, but Jack Bauer says its beef. Then you better believe it's beef.

Jack Bauer once forgot where he put his keys. He then spent the next half-hour torturing himself until he gave up the location of the keys.

Let's get one thing straight: the only reason you are conscious right now is because Jack Bauer does not feel like carrying you.

Jack Bauer was never addicted to heroin. Heroin was addicted to Jack Bauer.

When life gave Jack Bauer lemons, he used them to kill terrorists. Jack Bauer hates lemonade.

Jack Bauer doesn't miss. If he didn't hit you it's because he was shooting at another terrorist twelve miles away.

When Jack Bauer was a child, he made his mother finish his vegetables.

Jack Bauer killed 93 people in just 4 days time. Wait, that is a real fact.

When you open a can of whoop-ass, Jack Bauer jumps out.

When Google can't find something, it asks Jack Bauer for help.

You can lead a horse to water. Jack Bauer can make him drink.

When the boogie man goes to sleep, he checks his closet for Jack Bauer.

What color is Jack Bauer's blood? Trick question. Jack Bauer does not bleed.

Guns dont kill people, Jack Bauer kills people.

If Jack and MacGyver were locked in a room together, Jack would make a bomb out of MacGyver and get out.

Sun Tzu once wrote, "If your enemy is weaker, conquer him. If he is stronger, join him. If he is Jack Bauer, you're f***ing dead."

Jack Bauer has been to Mars. That's why there's no life on Mars.

Superman's only weakness is Kryptonite. Jack Bauer laughs at Superman for having a weakness.

When Batman is in trouble, he turns on the Jack Bauer signal.

If Jack Bauer was gay, his name would be Chuck Norris.

Jack Bauer was conceived by torturing the other sperm until they gave up the location of the egg.